15 April 2001

black hole days

Work is the star that collapsed right in the middle of my life, creating a black hole that has ripped and destroyed me. It is not as though this is a surprise to me, I knew signing up with a start-up would be hard. And it is. In the last month I've barely been able to exercise, do laundry, or even open my mail. Friends have noticed my absence, but seem to be understanding. For once in my life I'm glad that I'm single, for I can't imagine how I could do this to another person.

The powers that be at arbor are wise and saw the collective fuse getting short and hot. While many people were becoming ill and stress-out they continued to force themselves to work. The work ethic here is amazing. But Mike told us at our dev meeting Friday to take the weekend off. We were ordered not to work. It took a moment for the concept to sink in--for a moment I thought, "Well, I could just work from home, or come in later." But it didn't take long for me really like the idea. So now I'm on the tail-end of this forced but needed vacation. I've just returned from cleaning nearly all of the clothes I own and have stopped by the office to upload and print off some tax documents.

I don't have the time or energy right now to annotate my photos, but I'll feel better getting them up. I'm about to fall back beyond the event horizon soon. Work starts up full force tomorrow morning, and I suspect will be just as bad as it has been, and for another month. My life generally involves working when I'm not eating or sleeping, though sometimes I work while I eat. Over the last month I've been measuring the time I'm away from work, rather than the time I've work. It's a good thing if I manage to stay away for more than 8 hours. That means there is a chance I got enough sleep, but probably not. Here's hoping for me.

Couple things of import did have happened.

Marilyn, Matt Smart's aunt died unexpected in March. She was an amazing woman in so many ways as I found out meeting some of the many different people she touched in her life. Marilyn was more like a second mother for Matt than an Aunt and she was amazingly caring to me as well. She treated all the boys like family. While what I've felt can not compare to the pain Matt and his family has endured, I'm overwhelmingly saddened by her passing and grateful to have known her and shared in the bubble of human goodness that she created around herself.

I had a strange trip to Columbus. I couldn't afford the time off to help my father move his father to South Carolina, but I did go down to help for an afternoon. While in Columbus I visited the apartment complex in which I lived from ages 8 to 11. It was the last place I was happy to live until college. Moving from this place broke me in a small way: I mostly gave up on making friends. I was tired of losing them, and so sad after leaving those particular friends in Columbus. I found the apartment complex to have been convert to mostly student housing-- it had been more poor student families when we lived there. University Arms was the only place that my parents could afford that would allow a family with 3 children. It sounds disgusting to me, and I think such discrimination is illegal now. Unfortunately, all of the fields and playgrounds were paved over to make room for more cars. No longer present are the hundreds of kroger shopping carts that were the building blocks of my imagination. There was new paint every where, but it was still basically the same old dingy place.

April 5th - 8th I went on a pre-planned trip to meet my sister in Milwaukee. This year's Winter Guard International Championships were in Milwaukee and it happened to be almost exactly between Jen and me. She greyhounded, and I drove. We stayed at a reasonable hotel about 10 blocks away and spent the weekend relaxing and enjoying winter guard shows. We had not been to a championships since we participated in them back in high school. It was very nice to have good seats for all the performances, and to not have to worry about getting up and losing them. $. yay $. I was extremely happy to get away from work for 4 days, but when I got back all I could think about was punching a hole in someone or something. Stress-filled events related to changes in my work which occured during my abscence were resolved to the abilities of all involved, but it pretty much wiped away the therapeutic benefits of my trip.